Shit man, that ending hurts. I’m in tears, again!
All of the grief, the anger and the void that’s been left behind after her parent’s death have finally hit Asa. Angry at Makio for keeping the journal from her, angry at her mother for being dead and feeling as though perhaps she may not even have loved her, Asa decided to skip school, not once, but twice. Thankfully her teacher was quick to act, as she first sought out Emiri to find out how Asa is, and then once they realized things were not lining up, they contacted Makio. Despite it being crunch time, and being told she could just wait for Asa to return home, Makio stopped working and immediately prioritized searching for her whereabouts with the help of Shingo and the lawyer Touno.
Makio may say she’s not good at understanding grief, but in truth it actually come out (likely subconsciously) through her writings. Asa does not understand this right now, but for some people, sometimes they are able to convey their internal and even subconscious emotions better through an outlet like the arts. It could be music, writing, art, acting, dancing, and more. For Makio, it’s apparent that this comes out through her writing, because it’s through reading about the character’s grief that gave Asa the answer and understanding she had been longing from her. It’s what finally makes her let loose all the tears for the grief that threatens to swallow her whole as she finally accepts the fact there’s a huge void left in her heart. The emptiness she can’t run away from, and will continue to struggle in the days ahead to fill.
That’s why Asa blames her mother for dying. If she hadn’t, Asa wouldn’t be feeling like this. She wouldn’t be alone, she’d have something that belongs to her. But without her parents, she feels like she lost everything, and she can’t help but feel so frustrated and angry at how unfair that is to her. That’s why she can’t stand seeing people have something going for them, even the the most trivial thing like Emiri growing 5cm taller is setting her off.
But most notably, the biggest thing that reminds her of the void in her heart is that Asa no longer feels like she’s anyone’s number one priority. With her mother, she was always her number one. But with Emiri hanging out with a different group of kids at school, and Makio prioritizing her writing during crunch time over having a meal with her, Asa doesn’t feel like she’s special to anyone. And that hurts, because it makes her feel even more alone. And we know that Asa cannot handle being lonely. Which was also why Asa had a moment where she was extremely jealous of Makio. All she could think about was ‘how nice it was for Makio to have people who care about her’– too blinded by her turbulent emotions to see that they were there for her specifically because they do care about her. But when you’re consumed in grief, it’s difficult to think rationally, and in Asa’s case, she just wanted to lash out because she didn’t know how else to cope with all these difficult emotions coursing through her.
So she hurled all that pain onto Makio, drag her under with her by saying as many hurtful things as she could possibly dish out at her. But Makio didn’t even flinch. She recognized that Asa was at the verge of finally accepting her parent’s death. When they got home, the gave her the journal and they had their talk.
But even then, the conversation they held didn’t give Asa the answers she was looking for. She wanted absolute truth, and Makio didn’t, or rather couldn’t give it to her. She can only guess, especially in regards to how her sister felt about Asa. She believes seeing the way Asa has grown up, she believes Asa was loved and hopes her sister lived a good life. And being a writer herself, she knows how much work and conviction is needed to write, so recognizes that her sister had poured everything she had into that journal.
Asa had asked Makio has never lost anyone important, she hasn’t, but she did have experienced something very sad. But she’ll never share it with anyone. She doesn’t consider it lonely to do that, as it’s clear it’s something she wishes to protect. She will not allow anyone the right the trample them, and she knows no one will ever feel the exact sadness as she does. This circles back to the conversation they had when she first took Asa in, the promise to never trample on her feelings. It’s likely that understanding was what prompted her to say that in that moment.
What’s fascinating about Makio’s character is that she’s not really the type to really grieve on a conscious level. She describes herself as cold by nature. Regardless whether she hated the deceased or not, she just doesn’t feel grief. Maybe a bit of sadness for the ones she did care about, but nothing more than that. And because of that, she struggles to find the right words to say for those who get consumed by that grief, such as her mother and Asa.
But interestingly, Shingo thinks it’s the opposite. He doesn’t see Makio as ‘cold’, but rather someone who has a lot of passion, and we’ve seen this to be true. Makio’s a very thoughtful person. She understands the weight and power words carry, which is why she communicates the way she does. But she does struggle to express things things outwardly, as her true extent of understanding come out through her writing. And considering Shingo’s a dedicated reader of her novels, and being as close as he is to her, he has a greater understanding of not just her ability to care for others, but how she processes her emotions as well.
Now what’s left to be seen is how Asa will cope with the acceptance of her parents death. We haven’t actually seen her experience in the band club yet, so perhaps we’ll finally see how singing will likely become that outlet of emotions for her, just as writing is for Makio.
