Live Action Review: Shingeki no kyojin [Attack on the dud]

How could I express how I feel right now. Just imagine, one day I give you a kitty. It’s a nice kitty-cat, cute and everything you’ve ever wanted.  God, you love that kitty. But one day, I take your kitty AND I CRUSH IT ! I CRUSH ALL YOU’VE EVER LIKED IN THIS KITTY !! I CRUSH ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS ABOUT THIS KITTY !

Well, that’s exactly how I felt while watching this movie. It’s not bad. I’ts worse than bad. I can’t find a proper adjective to describe how much I hated everything in it. It’s only 1h30 long but it seemed to last an eternity. I went through all the 5 stages of Break-up ( according to some super-serious psychology magazines found in the restroom ):

-Denial: No it can’t be happening. There must be a mistake somewhere, it’s not attack on titan, it’s impossible. Or maybe it’s a joke …

-Anger: gezuofigmzeufbgmi HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO US ?!! DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG ? SALOPERIE ! WHY ? WHY MOVIE ? Why can’t anything ever work out for me? Why am I cursed?(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

–Bargaining: If only there was good character development it wouldn’t be that bad. If you show me some good fighting scene I won’t spit on you movie. Please show me something great, I beg you !I’m ready to watch boku no pico if I need to ( mmmh maybe not after all, to extreme measures).

– Depression: Life has no longer the same flavor. I hate my life right now. They killed Attack on titan. Levi plz come back.

– Acceptance: I tasted true devil. It’s bad as hell, I hate everything in it . Fuck you Movie ! I’m done with you.

So, Why in my opinion this movie is garbage? Let’s see.

Of course, SPOILERS AHEAD.

Our wonderful story starts in a village, we don’t know where or when but they have cars ( steam-punk style cars ) .  Black hair-Armin and Mikasa are running through a nice little field with flowers and happy children and other random stuff.  Then we first saw what must be the creepy Japanese version of Eren Jaeger, the hero of the story, who is staring at the sky, because boy he’s so deep. Enjoy this moment because that’s the only time Eren seems to be deep or interesting .

Until this point everything could have been working, the use of the technology don’t bother me since it’s an adaptation.  But just wait a little more. Eren is convinced that titans don’t really exist since it’s been 100 years that nobody had ever seen a titan. As a consequence the Survey Corps and the tridimensional equipment don’t exist, titans are a legend, and nobody has ever been outside the walls.

Well, humanity is fucked. I mean, in ONE  HUNDRED YEAR YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT NOBODY NEVER HAD THE IDEA TO SEE IF TITANS REALLY EXISTED ? When the door is broken by the giant red titan, random titans entered the town only 5 seconds after the door is broken. It means that they were really close to the wall. And nobody had the brilliant idea to look over the wall in one hundred year?

• “Hey Bobby, since we are in the Garrison, why don’t we check if titans really exist by just looking behind the wall?”
• “What? Eddie? You’re sick man? You want us to verify if our job is actually useful? You want us to actually do our jobs by protecting everybody from the titans?!”
• “Yeah you’re right, It was dumb of me to say, let’s just pretend to do something useful, like checking our gear , in the background while the main characters are talking.”

God dammit, I’m really wondering how they manage to survive this far. Also, I cannot believe that you can forget the existence of titans, the apocalypse that decimated more than half of the planet in the just 100 year.  That’s PLAIN BULLSHIT. My point being: If you want to do an adaptation and change some parts of the story, characters and whatever you want, at least make it coherent and intelligent. This film is a bad adaptation and a bad movie for itself.

One of the biggest problems of this movie is the narration. It’s awful .  After the first attack. BAM two year ellipse. Now tridimensional equipment has been invented as the Survey Corps and Eren had already joined the army.

Here, lies another big problem in my opinion.  At the end of the movie, we all know that eren is going to turn  into a giant plastic titan. But why? Because YOLO ?! Since we didn’t see what happened during this two years,  how can we explain his transformation ?  Let’s take a generic example. In One piece, Luffy has the power stretch his body because he had eaten the Gum Gum fruit. We know it, we saw it, it’s explained.  In the Shingeki no kyojin we are assuming that Eren turns into a titan because his father injected him something. Well, the live action ellipse cut this part, so once again, Eren has no reason for turning into a titan.  Let’s assume that he’s pissed off because he was eaten by a titan, gosh they are sooo meaaan …

The film doesn’t explain anything. EVEN THE MAIN CHARACTERS DON’T KNOW HOW TO KILL A TITAN OR HOW TO USE HEIR EQUIPMENT GOD DAMMIT! Rectification,  it’s after watching our young fellows running on the ground in order to escape the titans while shouting “ We don’t know how to use or equipment” or “ How can we kill the titans, they are invincible  “, that the movie finally explains you how to kill a titan (must be about the fiftieth minute, when they do it ) . Indeed, they mentors actually told them about everything, but I don’t know, maybe they don’t remember it? They also told them “ titans react to noise, don’t shout, bite your tong if you want to scream”. And the first thing they do when they saw titans “ aaaaahhh, titans, help help aaaaaah. Le’ts run on the ground and not use or equipment , aaaaaahh”

Oh god.  I know they‘re supposed to be new recruits but they suck at survival. The chiefs are not better though . “ Hide in the buildings !!” Suuuuurree, that’s a great way to escape, really worked out this far.ლಠ益ಠ)ლ

Now I would like to talk about the protagonists. Since we don’t know what happened during the two years ellipse, we can’t see any friendship between them. Also, they’re not properly introduced, even the main protagonists: they don’t have any background.

First off, Eren. He has neither motivation nor determination at all. They skipped the mother dying part, he doesn’t have any parents since the beginning, same as Mikasa. Armin had a father but he died during the first attack. At least this moment was funny. Seeing Armin’s father lifted in the airs by a titan while shouting ‘ ruun armiiiin”  with literally no reaction from the heroes, that was priceless . “Oh, it was Armin father” is the only thing they said about him.  Well, too bad for you Armin- Buddy. I don’t know Eren, maybe you should be more concerned since Armin is your friend ? So no “ I WILL KILL ALL THE TITANS “ for Eren since his nonexistent mother didn’t died in front of him .In that case, why did he choose to join the army? we don’t know. SACREBLEU ! HE’S NOT A CREDIBLE HERO!  And he’s a fucking pussy, always whining about everything . He’s useless the entire movie and only turned into a shitty plastic titan 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE END !! Eren I’m gonna stab you in the vagina.凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

Mikasa doesn’t give a fuck about eren,  in the final scene, when she saw him on the roof of a building , spiting blood, without his arm and leg , She goes “ Too bad for you , looser” and she doesn’t help him. Also, she’s the sex slave of the squadron chef shikishima.（πーπ）

Sasha has a fucking bow.  The deadliest weapon of all time.  Almost every single time she appears, there’s a potato next to her. They took the potato joke from the anime wayyy too seriously, it’s not even funny. Jean is an useless pussy like all the other protagonists . Armin is also transparent until the last minutes of the movie .

GOD LORD LEVI. If think the scenarists thought that his name wasn’t Japanese enough, so he’s called Shikishima. I know what you’re thinking , Sacha, Jean and Eren don’t sound much more japanese. I don’t know, go ask the scenarists, they sure have a good reason for that . Oh well, its also dumb to replace Levi since he has the biggest fanbase ( and I’m one of them ). Ok, so the chief of the Survey corps is  shikishima and I can say I‘m glad it’s not Levi because , I would have been even more  pissed of.

His first phrase of the whole movie , was something like “ I would like to bang a Female titan”. Too bad for you Casanova , they don’t have genital organs, but oh well, they tend to forget a lot of thing regarding titans in this movie. It’s not like it’s important or anything. TITANS ?  MEH don’t care. Also he ‘s a fucking pervert who wants to bang Mikasa . Maybe he’s already banging her, I don’t know, and I don’t want to. He’s a fucking douchebag, who doesn’t even care if his new recruits are dying wright in front of him. “ Meh , I don’t want to save you , you’re just a bunch of looser, I’m so far from you , you can’t handle my sweeeg “ He also has  some sort of strange fetish for apples . I-I-I just … I CAN’T .٩(╬ʘ益ʘ╬)۶

The Actor performance is bad as hell. I don’t have any problems with japanese acting in general, but they are all bad as hell (except for Hanji, who really pushes the comic of her character to its limits  ). Eren is a creepy-staring guy and there are all a bunch of ground- running vaginas. The movie ends with the trailer for the next one. Seems as bad as this one. I’d rather watch the entire serie of Diaboliks Lovers one more time than this show. Yeah I MEAN IT !

 

Bonus : Let’s play a little game shall we ? I’ve called it : How to act if you were a character in the shingeki no kyojin live Action movie . Ready ?

A titan is in front of your friend and he’s going to kill him . What do you do ?

1. I use my tridimensional equipment to kill the titan by stabbing him in the vagina since my mentors explained me how to properly kill a titan.
2. I use my tridimensional equipment to save my friend and to reach a safe place on the top of buildings instead of hiding in the buildings ( because it’s not safe on the ground )
3. I use my tridimensional equipment to escape, leaving my friend alone because I’m a dick and a bad shounen hero.
4. I show this titan my kick- Ass judo moves by throwing him on the ground while shouting like a dying cow .

If you answered 4 , CONGRATULATIONS YOU DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE ! LIKE THIS MOVIE . Don’t worry if you didn’t guess right, you still have more chances to survive than the others.

If I had to find one positive thing about this movie  it will be the appearance of the titans ( except for titan-Eren/guy in a rubber suit ). Their faces are scary and they’re relatively well made in comparison of the wall (literally built in pasteboard. You can see some parts of the wall bouncing when it touches the ground ). Also if you want to see humans eaten by titans, blood and screaming kids that’s a rather good one.

But, something was definitely odd with this movie.I couldn’t believe that the directors made such big mistakes without any reason. So with further researches I understood.  Attack On Titan live Action was made by  Toho studios, Godzilla movies specialist ( and Akira Kurosawa one’s too ) . In my opinion that explain a lot of things . Maybe we have to see Attack On Titan live action like an old kaiju movie, with cheap monsters costumes and ridiculous action scenes. But again, sorry, it don’t work out for me, it’s supposed to be a serious show, so…I don’t know , MEH, not convinced at all . I’ve wasted one hour and a half of my life forever. Shingeki no kyojin there’s a special place in hell for movies like you, right next to Dragon Ball evolution and The last Airbender .

Do I really have to put a note for this ?